I woke this morning
I woke this morning with the same intense pain/pressure in my chest. I've had this for the past 2 weeks now and at times I seriously felt like I was going to have a heart attack. A year ago, this intense pain would have taken me to the hospital/doctors but I know now its jinn related. Logically I am overall healthy and this pain/pressure came on suddenly and I know that ayn/hasada can effect the chest area.
"I need to stay focused" I keep repeating to myself again and again. I know from previous attacks from jinns that I had to fight/attack back before it overwhelmed me.
I'm in such a rush, I'm already late but I know I need to apply all my oils before I leave and start the day. I've been applying layers of olive, black seed and rue oil, especially around my chest area. I've also been playing ruqya ALL night (which has now become a habit for most night, 5 to 7 hours solid of ruqya and Surah al Baqarah.
Oils applied, I'm now rushing all the children out the door, it's only 7.15am and I feel like crying and shouting all at the same time. I can hardly breathe from the amount of pressure on my chest. I know being a mum can be stressful but sometimes I just want to walk away from all the noise and responsibilities. I love my children to pieces and I feel blessed to have them (especially as I waited 7 years for them), but having this affliction has defiantly pushed me to points that I even feel ashamed to admit, but now knowing that these are not my direct feelings, it's sometimes easier to get through the day without allowing those feelings of 'hate' to drip through.
As a single mum of 3 young children, I am solely responsible for getting 2 of them to school. They now attend a school further out; the journey means a lot more travel, especially up and down stairs whilst carrying the baby in the pushchair, all I can think is how am I going to do this journey today? The boys are feeling tired, they didn't sleep well last night as well and they seem to be argueing about everything. My ears feel like I'm part deaf and I'm trying hard not to focus on the dizzy feeling that creeps up on me now and again. I can honestly say I'm now petrified that this pain will force me to be unable to complete my daily duties (as previous attacks have done).
"Ya Allah....." It's 8.15am and I'm still on the journey to school, the boys have finally calmed down, they have been talking away to me, I know my mouth has been replying back to them but my heart and head is totally wrapped in constant Dua. I'm now begging Allah with every step to remove/destroy whatever is laying on my chest area, restricting my breathing. It's funny when we want something, we really work hard in asking Allah and nothing in the dunya gets in our way. I used to see this affliction as a curse but SubhanAllah it really has been my doorway to practicing Islam and relying totally on Allah.
I know I'm feeling scared but even through these fears, I need to stay as positive as I can. I need to remind myself of all the things I have learnt through the workshop sessions with Abu Nadeer. I know I have the tools to fight back. With every pain/hardship my sins are being removed InshaAllah and that is the sweetest feeling.
Wednesday today, I haven't really had time to think. Another morning like yesterday, at least I have managed to drop the boys to school and now I've arrived at Abu Nadeer's workshop on time. My chest feels like it is going to explode, yet my body is sitting quietly. I'm trying everything I can to stay in control and not let any of the jinns use my body, whether through my voice or my body. I feel like crying but I know Allah tests His slaves and I will never get more than I can handle, so I need to keep focused on making Dua and I've decided to leave this pain between me and Allah, instead of crying out to Abu Nadeer.
On reflection, when I first started ruqya I thought that a Raqi had all the answers. My lack of education and stories I heard from other afflicted people, lead me to believe that a Raqi can diagnose and cure me. Alhamdillah through my journey with Al-Ruqya Healing and the constant reminders from Abu Nadeer during the workshops that only Allah has the cure, I decided to not keep running to Abu Nadeer with every pain/whisper/dream I have, instead I needed to focus my attention and relationship towards Allah and perfecting my way of life by doing the things/orders that Allah loves and commands. He is the only one who holds the cure and the real knowledge of the unseen and I now need to learn to be patient and stop thinking that this affliction is going to go over night. TO BE CONTINUED....