Wednesday today, I haven't really had time to think. Another morning like yesterday, at least I have managed to drop the boys to school and now I've arrived at Abu Nadeer's workshop on time. My chest feels like it is going to explode, yet my body is sitting quietly. I'm trying everything I can to stay in control and not let any of the jinns use my body, whether through my voice or my body. I feel like crying but I know Allah tests His slaves and I will never get more than I can handle, so I need to keep focused on making Dua and I've decided to leave this pain between me and Allah, instead of crying out to Abu Nadeer.
On reflection, when I first started ruqya I thought that a Raqi had all the answers. My lack of education and stories I heard from other afflicted people, lead me to believe that a Raqi can diagnose and cure me. Alhamdillah through my journey with Al-Ruqya Healing and the constant reminders from Abu Nadeer during the workshops that only Allah has the cure, I decided to not keep running to Abu Nadeer with every pain/whisper/dream I have, instead I needed to focus my attention and relationship towards Allah and perfecting my way of life by doing the things/orders that Allah loves and commands. He is the only one who holds the cure and the real knowledge of the unseen and I now need to learn to be patient and stop thinking that this affliction is going to go over night.
The workshop has ended and Abu Nadeer has just asked if anyone has any questions. I'm screaming out but my need to want to get closer to Allah by not relying on anyone else forces me to stay quiet. I stand up, about to leave, I feel the pain in my chest has reached the maximum pain. My mind is pre-occupied with talk (that I know now is from the jinns). In a previous workshop, Abu Nadeer spoke about ways that jinns leave the body and I really wanted to know the answer to a question concerning this.
SubhanAllah, I'm now asking Abu Nadeer my question and one of the jinns has come up and saying it wants to take shadah. I'm not really believing it because I've heard this before and nothing happened but an opportunity for them to talk and try and show off. I try to push the jinn down but its overwhelming me and my chest is so tight, it's squeezing the life out of me. The jinn is now shouting that its on my chest and wants to leave. Abu Nadeer starts to guide it to take sahadah and by the Mercy of Allah, my leg shakes out.
An instant relief. I'm breathing like I'm flying through the air. There is no words that can explain this relief, especially after weeks of so much pressure. Alhamdillah. I can't see the unseen but I'm defiantly persuaded right now that something has just left, by the Will of Allah.
2 days have passed. My youngest son has just ran into the room and jumped on me. I feel this overwhelming feeling of love which I have not felt in a long time. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced this but I have always felt so much pressure to feel love in my heart for my children. I've tried so hard. I know I love them but its always been hard to shift this heaviness. I know now that the affliction has played a huge part in this but right now it's almost like someone has just handed me my son for the first time and the normal feeling of either dislike or emptiness has suddenly filled my heart with love. I just keep looking at him and making dua that Allah will bless him and protect him. I seriously can't stop kissing him and he is laughing so much that I suddenly feel guilty about all the times I have felt so negative about him. I'm not going to dwell on this guilt, I stand up and before I know it I've just cleaned the house like guests are coming. I suddenly feel that its amazing how even small things like cleaning and feeling love can be taken for granted. This is an amazing feeling, it feels like I'm not afflicted and its the best feeling in the world.
It's Saturday. I'm still feeling like I'm on top of the world. My friend is here and all of a sudden she's just looked at me and a feeling of fear has just ran through all my body. I'm caught of guard and I know need to take a moment and put this into perspective. My friend has not just looked at me in an evil way and she is not trying to fill my body with jinns! I've got so good at hiding my thoughts, it doesn't look like she has noticed what's going on for me right now. I'm feeling frustrated with myself, even though this has been happening for over 2 years and I'm aware it's from the evil of the shayteen, when it happens it can still feel overwhelming and take me right out of my comfort zone.
Reality is.....I'm still afflicted. Alhamdillah I'm not ready to be granted complete shifaa yet from Allah. My journey of affliction still continues......but for now I'm going to enjoy and be thankful for this feeling of gaining something back that I have missed so much (even if its a short while).........